A Monk's Penance
by Langus
Summary: Miroku struggles over the most difficult decision he's ever had to make. Will he be able to give up the woman he loves, even if it's for her own good? One shot. Please read and review!


Kami, how he loved this woman. There was no other way to explain the logic behind what he was about to do.

She stared up at him, her dark eyes hopeful and brimming with unshed tears. He wasn't even sure he had the strength to go through with it. He'd never considered himself a strong-willed man. Determined, yes, loyal, most of the time, but strong-willed? He could barely control himself around beautiful women he didn't know, but this woman in particular held a power over him unlike nothing he'd felt before. Her strength impressed him and her heart breaking story gave him courage; she was the opposite of everything he'd ever pictured himself wanting in a woman and yet, he'd never been happier.

At some point he realized that he'd given up fighting for his own life long ago. She'd become sewn into the fabric of his being so neatly it was as if she'd been there all along. He could no longer tell where she ended and he began. Now when he fought, it was not just for her but for their future. He protected her with the secret and unspoken hope that someday she might be his. He fought for the home they would one day share and the children that would become theirs.

For years he'd dreamt of having a life with her but those dreams were slowly slipping from his grasp. Reality had shown up to rear its ugly head and the reality was that he was a man with no ties to the land, no home, no money, no family to speak of, and no ability to promise a stable future.

Though she'd never said so herself, he understood that she needed those things. She deserved those things and he could not provide them. He wanted to be the one but he couldn't deny the inevitable truth any longer, his heart wouldn't let him. It didn't matter any more what he wanted because if he loved her as much as he claimed to, there was only one option for him.

Coming to that conclusion had been the single most painful and heart wrenching decision he'd ever had to make. He felt like a failure in every way and the knowledge that he would lose her cut him to the core. He needed her, kami how he needed her, but she was not his and never would be. It was well past time for him to let her go and free her from his clutches so she could find happiness with another. In time he hoped she would forgive him. He had the faintest glimmer of hope that if given enough time they might even be friends.

Time…it was the cause of all of his problems. There just wasn't enough of it, certainly not for him. He'd been surviving on borrowed time for years and it was finally running out. She deserved better than that. It wasn't right for her to live each day in fear, thinking that it may be his last. He couldn't…no…he wouldn't do that to her, not after all she'd gone through with her own family.

He repeated these things to himself over and over again. It was the only way he could work up the courage to go through with what he was about to do. It'd taken months for him to come to this decision, and weeks after that to wrestle over it deciding whether it was truly the right one or not. Now with her standing in front of him beneath the cool shade of a poplar tree, her dark eyes peering up into his and her lips just a breath away, he was finally at peace with his choice.

"Sango…," he whispered her name gently and he felt her body shiver beneath his hands. "I'm sorry, but I can't."

It took a moment for the shock of his words to sink in and register on her face. Within the span of a single heart beat the beautifully flushed, love struck countenance she'd gazed up at him with was contorted by anger, disbelief and humiliation.

"What? Why?" she demanded, pushing out of his grasp. He hung his head and sighed painfully, knowing that this was only the start of what was to come. He'd prepared himself for this type of scenario, but seeing the pain on her face weakened his thread bare resolve even further.

"You deserve more. I won't let you waste your life on me."

SLAP!

Her blow sent his head reeling and he gingerly lifted a hand to touch the slowly reddening welt on his cheek. He was almost thankful for the abuse. He couldn't punish himself nearly enough for what he was doing to her.

"Don't say that! I know exactly what I want…I want you!" Her voice wavered as it reached the last word and she quickly turned her back to him.

He couldn't hear her sobs but the silent shaking of her shoulders told him she was crying. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms, to whisper in her ear that he'd been a fool to refuse her. His arms ached to hold her but his feet remained stubbornly rooted to the ground. His fists clenched at his sides, revealing his frustration. He'd never wanted to hurt her.

"Sango…I'm sorry. I-," he began but she quickly cut him off.

Her voice was thick with tears when she turned her head and asked him, "Did you ever love me?"

Her words cut him deep and he grimaced at her accusation. How could she ask such a thing? Hadn't she seen it every time he looked at her? Hadn't she felt it in his touch and when he'd held her close at night? He was doing this for her! He certainly didn't want to end up alone! Love was the only thing that could've possibly explained his decision and yet she questioned his dedication to her?

She looked ready to castrate him or disembowel him, one of the two for sure, but he couldn't help the first thought that came to his mind as their gazes met - _Kami she's beautiful._

As a man of very little will power on the best of days, he found it nearly impossible to deny her once he was face to face with her tears. Stepping forward he closed the space between them and caught her face gently between his hands. Grazing his thumbs across her cheeks he wiped away the remnants of her tears and searched the depths of her eyes with his own.

"How could you ask such a thing?" he whispered softly before lowering his lips to hers.

He heard her gasp and swallow her reply before returning his kiss warmly, her hands coming up to grab hold of his wrists so he wouldn't pull away. As he felt more tears leak from her eyes to dribble across the back of his hands he deepened his kiss. His tongue probed tentatively at her lips, licking away the traces of salt before she allowed him access to the sweet recesses of her mouth.

Sango moaned softly as his tongue stroked against hers gently, almost apologetically.

_Why is he doing this?_

She couldn't understand it. For years they'd travelled side-by-side, operating under the assumption that once their mission was complete they would start a life together. Suddenly those dreams were being dashed and she couldn't understand why. If he loved her why would he say no? It didn't make any sense! Unless…had he found someone else? No…he was a lecher but she was fairly certain she bore the brunt of his wandering eyes and hands. If not another woman then what was he thinking?

Though she wanted to argue with him until she was blue in the face and beat him some more for making a fool out of her, his kiss kept her paralyzed. His lips were warm against hers, gentle and tender the way she'd always imagined they would be. His moves were slow and deliberate, almost as if he was taking his time, memorizing the taste and feel of her, the touch of her tongue against his, the neediness of her lips pressed against his own. Was this really goodbye?

After a while he pulled away and studied her features, sadness clearly written across his own. He sighed heavily and stepped away, his hands slowly falling from her face. She felt the cool breeze against her heated skin more acutely than she would've liked. It was too stark a reminder of what it would feel like once he was gone for good. She had so many questions she wanted answered but he didn't give her a chance to ask them. The moment she opened her mouth he shook his head to silence her. With a sad smile he fixed her with a look of complete adoration and bid her farewell.

"Goodbye Sango. Live well."

His voice was thick when he spoke and she watched the Adam's apple in this throat bob as he swallowed hard to clear it. She wanted to scream but her mouth was frozen open in shock and all the words seemed to die in her throat. This wasn't how things were supposed to turn out. When she'd asked him to marry her she'd expected him to be happy. She'd expected him to say yes whole-heartedly before swinging her into the air and taking every opportunity to grope her behind with his lecher hands. She'd never expected rejection…

She watched him turn and go and fought the urge to run after him. Each step he took brought him one step further from her, one step further from the future and life they should've shared and the dreams they'd once had. After five earth shattering paces she finally called out to him.

"Miroku! I love you! ...Isn't that enough?"

Her heart leapt into her throat when she saw him pause. He braced his hand against the tree next to him for support as he contemplated her words. After a moment of tense silence he dropped to his knees and braced his palms against the earth. She ran to his side without hesitation, concern marring her features.

"Miroku?" she called, gently touching a hand to his shoulder. Sitting back on his heels he fixed her with a defeated yet relieved look.

"Sango please forgive me. I'm not strong enough," he begged, his eyes pleading with her for understanding.

"Strong enough for what?" she asked confused.

"To let you go. I tried…I really tried, but I…can't."

At this point he let out a heavy sigh, his shoulders sagging as if the weight of the world was upon them. Fixing her with his sad azure eyes he explained his reasons for denying her.

"I wanted you to have a chance at a normal life. I want you to be happy Sango. You deserve a home and a family and a stable, comfortable existence and I can't promise you those things. Do you understand now why it has to be this way?"

Sango took barely a moment to think over his words before she slapped him hard across the face once more. Gingerly touching his already swollen cheek he looked at her in wide-eyed shock.

"All I understand, Miroku, is that you are a complete idiot! How could you think I'd rather be alone? Kami, you're so impossible sometimes you know that?"

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and huffed in irritation. After a moment of tense silence her features softened and a gentle smile came to her lips. Turning back to the monk at her side she let her hand brush tenderly against his cheek.

"But I wouldn't have you any other way," she confessed. A faint blush crept into her cheeks as she realized that her hand was still stroking his face. Quickly pulling it away she smiled at him sheepishly.

"Do you still refuse my proposal?" she asked, helping him to his feet. He stared at her in contemplative silence for a moment before slowly shaking his head "No".

"Sango I can't refuse you. I already tried and look what happened - I got two slaps in the face and still failed! I fear I'm a lost cause," he joked, a light-hearted smile lighting his features. Sango found herself smiling too as she pushed him back against the nearest tree.

"Shall we seal the deal with a kiss?"

A mischievous gleam danced in her dark eyes and it immediately sent a tingle of anticipation into his lecher hands. He nodded readily and wrapped them around her waist, drawing her in close.

"Most definitely," he promised, and brought his lips to hers.

* * *

**Author's Note:** This was just one of those things I had to get out of my system before I continued on with my other stories. It's my first attempt at a Miroku Sango theme, hence why it's a one shot. If I get enough positive reviews I might make a story for them but right now I'm just kind of testing the waters to see what you guys think of my character portrayals. I'd really appreciate it if you could take a minute to leave a review :) Thanks!


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